I hate 99% of motivational speakers. Everything they say is either common sense or absolute nonsense. They say shit like “If you wanna get to the other side of the road, you gotta cross it!”, “If you don’t pick up that trash, someone else will!” or “If you’re sleeping, someone else is working!”. Yeah thanks dickhead, because I just assumed when I’m sleeping the world stops. You are all the human equivalent of those Bluetooth ear pieces.

I hate that guy on my train that always smells like he’s literally been swimming in a pool of cologne. Who is he trying to suffocate? I mean, how does he put it on in the morning? Does he just stand there while a group of Arab night club owners just spray him with a bottle of cologne each?

Please be aware that the following hates are controversial and may upset certain readers. Also please be aware that if you are one of those readers, you will be mentioned by name in my next hate piece. Don’t ask how I’ll know, just take my word for it and continue reading. Or don’t, whatever.

I hate movies that are considered good only because of the fact that they are controversial or topical. That’s right I’m talking about you 12 Years a Slave. I don’t care what awards and accolades you earned nor do I care about the fact that you’re about slavery so I automatically have to feel bad and think that you’re a good movie. I mean seriously, I would hate to win anything that I didn’t earn only because people felt bad for me! 12 Years a Slave, more like 134 Minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. The same goes for QT’s Django Unchained. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Quentin, he is a great film maker and that is a cold hard fact. But the reason the D is silent in Django is because that movie sucked so much dick that it just evaporated into thin air. But people were so shocked by it’s use of the N word (Necromancer) and by people getting whipped and chewed by dogs that it was considered a very powerful movie. At the end of the day it IS a matter of opinion, so don’t let me ruin your day and please enjoy your terrible, terrible taste in films.

I hate people who mistreat animals, ANY animal. If you are one of those people and you are: a) not retarded and b) over the age of 8, then you are a terrible excuse for a human and I can safely assume that you will not be missed if you took a step off the highest building you can possibly find. The best punishment for these despicable scum bags is for them to endure the exact same treatment in which they have treated that particular animal. For example, the ever so disgusting Michael Vick should have been forced to be kept in a cage, starved and tortured then taken out and thrown into a ring where he would face off against other filthy cunts like himself. Instead of receiving a $2500 fine and spending only 18 months in prison.

I hate people that don’t understand how lining up for something works. “Oh yeah there’s definitely two queues, we’re all just lining up in this one long ass line because we have nothing better to do, go right ahead”.

I hate those signs that tell you what the police are targeting specifically in a particular area. I mean shouldn’t they be focusing on anything illegal. Does that mean that if I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing but it’s not specifically being targeted by the po-po that I’ll get a lighter penalty? “Police are now targeting drunk drivers.” As opposed to before when they weren’t that big of a concern? I’m sure the money spent on those signs could be put towards something more useful.

I hate ugly websites. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones that bring back those sweet, sweet memories of Geocities. I think that instead of trying to introduce ways of policing the internet, the government should shut those websites down. I’m no expert but I definitely think that if those websites didn’t exist, online piracy would come to an end almost immediately.

I hate people who wear sunglasses inside, there I said it. Unless you’re blind or have recently eaten a knuckle sandwich, take them off. You look like a dick and nobody likes you. I mean what are you doing? Seriously, is the Ed Hardy t-shirt not doing it’s job? Do people still mistake you for a non-douche-bag? Just take them off.

I hate people that clap at the end of a movie. You’re not at Cannes, there’s no one waiting for your approval, YOU’RE CLAPPING AT NOTHING AND THE CREDITS DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID FACE.

I hate that one person on the train/bus/plane/space shuttle who uses their phone as a boom box. Stop that, no one wants to listen to Pitbull. Not even Pitbull wants to listen to Pitbull.